Petnames - What do you think about them?

[Magical Girl Lyrical Sarahnyan]

(I originally posted this on the old TML board, but I'll post it here just because I still want to complain about this topic. I have tweaked it with edits and additional stuff.)

Petnames. Are they acceptable to say to someone else, especially a person you don't even know? Are petnames okay or annoying?

This has been annoying me for a few days and I have had this rant in mind since yesterday night when I was studying for my U.S. History test. I thought, "Man, I need to make a rant on TML about this and let everyone see it." I was half-serious about it then but ended up writing this in the last couple hours. Go me, Sarah the Super Ranter!

I am not sure about how other people percieve the use of petnames, but I cannot stand it when people use petnames to refer to people younger / older than them. Sometimes I see it as rude and disrespectful, especially when they don't know anything about the other person or are not very familiar that individual. And there have been plenty of random people who have used them with me and I had to bite back my tongue to not say anything. I use the polite forms of speech for everyone I talk to, even people my own age, or at least try to and think everyone should to some degree. Petnames don't enter that area.

Mostly it's the older crowd of women (in my experience) who randomly use petnames like candy (but not always) and I've kind of gotten used to it. Though, it's still /strange/ to me to use those phrases with someone you don't know. It offends me and to a point I believe them to be wrong. It's not casual and endearing to hear these things from someone you don't know, and sometimes it makes me feel like people are talking down and belittling me. That's probably not the case in most instances, but I feel like child or foolish.

However, what exactly do I mean by "petnames," persay?

When I say petnames, I'm refering to phrases like "honey," "sweetie," "sweetheart," "baby," "sugar," etc. Maybe this isn't a big deal to most people - it isn't harmful except being a little annoying in some situations, right? - but it just irritates me. In fact, they grate my nerves and they have always made me uncomfortable, There are some examples below to explain my reasoning.

Your grandmother may call you "sweetie" or "dear," but she knows you. She's older than you and has known you during your life. She loves you and wants to be personal with you. Also, your mother or father may use those sort of words to comfort their children at a sad time or to address them. Affection and close circumstances are perfectly acceptable as long as the other person is okay with it, but that's a different notion. Those petnames are not exactly in the same context as the ones I'm thinking of.

My health teacher this year uses the word "baby" a lot with all of her students. Yes, I know - if it bothers me so much I should tell her not to say it to me, but I don't really want too. It bothers me, but not important enough to me to actually mention it. Why? I don't even know. Maybe /she'll/ see that as rude and it's just not generally said. But I still don't know her very well and it doesn't stop the petname from rubbing me the wrong way, even if she is nice to me. Besides that, several people in my high school uses petnames and there's a mix of younger and older teachers. One of them being younger, like the health teacher.

Let's take yesterday into another example. I was holding my candy bag, waiting for the bus to arrive to take me home (yes, I carry a candy bag around all day to sell my fundraising candy ), and this one man who works in the school comes to the door I'm standing at. He kind of looks at my bag and notices I have my money in there (like a dollar, I guess?) within another little baggie behind some candy. He's like, "Sweetie, people can see into the bag and might try to rob you of the money around this time after school."

Wow. Can you imagine my reaction to that entire thing, especially after the "sweetie" bit? I just stared at him, completely offended.

No, really? People can /see/ the money? Maybe I didn't have anything else to put it in! It was only my first or second day (I think) carrying around the bag and I was figuring out how to carry everything still. Apparently I don't know people can steal, either. I don't know if he meant anything by it (if I know my school, he sure did), but that grated my nerves so rawly I walked away from him in disgust without a single word.

So I forgot to take the money out of the bag and put it in my pocket - I then did that. My bus comes in five minutes and I'm standing /inside/ the school, there's a bunch of people nearby outside, and a handful of people are only on that side of the school now that everyone is heading home. Who is going to see that little bit of money in there, and who says people wouldn't rob me for something else anyway because they think I'm "weak," knowing that awful place? Is it my fault that side of the school doesn't have one security guard (or at least they're not visible) around that time and they're all at the other end stopping fights? Can anyone be blunt enough to make someone feel like they did something wrong and embarrassed? He could have said it a different way, not the way he did. Other people flash their money around all the time and cell phones and other garbage and I get called on for a /dollar/.

You can see that as over analyzing, but for the sheer fact that it seems like people don't realize I /know/ things makes me upset.

Moving on, moving on. Thinking of it makes me disgusted again; I wish I had told him off instead of not knowing what to say in return.

Next part. Is it more creepy for older people to use the phrases, or a teenager and kid? Obviously I've had both said to me. Another girl around my age used one on me I don't know once and it made me feel like, /ten/ times worse. o-o; It made me feel like a child because I did something kind of embarrassing I should have known was odd, and the last thing I wanted was for her to use a petname to make it even more obvious. For various reasons, it is creepy for an older person to say those things in weird voices or whatever. Older people are mostly the ones who do.

But why would a teenager or something use petnames, and why would I see it so insulting? It makes those people sound /old/ to me, no offense or anything meant. I guess I'm old-minded like that and see things as being more polite, the better. Like I add Japanese suffixes to names, which is somewhat similar, and the informal ones I give to people on the site are usually for people I've known for a while. I'm not going far into this part, but I guess it's in each generation. Gaps in age differences or being the same age - it's all the same to me. Do those people find it as a habit, think it's cute, or something else? Maybe a combo of those things and just hearing them being used.

-takes a deep breath-
Alright! Break time for the brain.

This is a discussion we can all relate too. Here's something all of us roleplayers know about. On roleplaying Websites (let's say Neopets roleplaying Neoboards) there are people who will use the phrases often. Actually, I have seen this very much with the awful, recent state of the boards, but it's sure to still happen. People who have higher expectations or feel really awesome use petnames. I have watched the Neopets boards for a long time and seen it. No matter how the person's reply is stated it /always/ strikes me in a rude respect. Each time I frown at this scene.

Here's your scenario. You place a board for people to join. The fancy set of rules and title to attract more people are there clearly, a lovely little intro is neatly posted on the boards without any interruptions blemishing the board, and you're making a new OoC post to set out blueberry muffins. There's a few joiners who seem good, maybe they're some friends in the same group you're in - whatever you want it to be. I'm not going to get into this, and I don't want a huge argument over it, but then someone posts to ask to join. Check, their font looks okay, but they make a spelling error at the end of their post. You shake your head and sigh, telling them back, "Darling, you're not literate enough to join. Leave. Now."

That is the cliché of how some people think of all "literates" and "advanced" roleplayers. Obviously not everyone does this, but this is common enough. What I'm truly trying to convey here is the "darling" bit. Wouldn't that make you feel less of a roleplayer if someone said that to you because of a mistake? You could be one of the better people roleplaying in the genre but someone says it to you. I think this is how a lot of roleplaying fights and bashing start, but that isn't my focus. Saying this to someone could make them feel bad and discouraged; this is my entire explaination for how it could make you feel inferior.

There are all kinds of Websites, social networks, and places to chat on on the Internet. People never know who they are talking to online. Imagine being told "darling" if you're a few years older than the person on the other side of the computer screen saying it to you. It would make me uncomfortable. Wouldn't you feel the same? Or vice-verse, to have a roleplayer a few years older with more experience telling you you're not good enough with a petname attached, even if you're trying your best. I think it works both ways to make someone feel uncomfortable. But if it were a friend talking to you about how to hone your skills better while using petnames (which does sound strange, but close friends can do that), it'll be easier.

Kind of off-topic, but I feel like making another rant about how people treat eachother on the Neoboards because I typed this. Is this rant enjoyable enough to make you guys read more of my long writing? xD Seriously, tell me. I've been meaning to get to that at some time, as it was.

I think I finally covered everything. Anyway, after all of that, why do people like using petnames? Sure, if you kind of have known the person for a while it's okay, but otherwise, it's just plain weird to hear a teacher say to a new student or something on the first day, "Sweetie, do you need help finding your next class?" That's just a basic example, but does anyone else feel really irritated when they have people talk to them this way if you don't know that person? Maybe you like that teacher over time and it won't bother you anymore, or it's not a huge concern. Though, even if people just want to seem more caring and personal with someone else, my opinion on petnames stands.

It's odd to me. Since I'm kind of the mother-type of here you'd think I'd say them, but they don't suit me. Since I feel unfortable with them, someone else might feel the same way. If my members said a petname to me that might seem bizarre to me, but not as offended or anything as in real life. I know most of you a little.

Enough of my babbles. Do you think petnames are okay or wrong to use, for any of the circumstances I've mentioned or others? Are they acceptable? Tell about your experiences.

Finally, finished. How you enjoyed my long, descriptive rant.

[Suki.hime]

Honestly, I think all of that really comes down to the person saying it. I say something like 'hey babe' to many of my friends upon greeting them, and they do the same thing... I don't do that to all of my friends, only the ones where there's a mutual understanding. We know we're kidding with each other; we often exaggerate our voices so there's a romantic-novel-air about it, so even a bystander could tell we're being ironic. None of us find this upsetting -- or at least, not by what expressions tell.

I have a teacher that calls us 'sweetheart' and stuff, and she's a younger teacher, but I find that okay because it's often out of feeling bad in a good way. Like 'well why don't you come in after school sweetheart, and I'll see if I can help you', and she sounds sincere about it. Some people can. She tries using it sparingly, and seems to only say that to girls... I was walking with one of my guy friends once and she called 'sweetheart' and he turned to respond, in which she abruptly said 'you're not sweetheart' and pouted until I responded back. She also calls out 'ALRIGHT MY LOVELIES~!' to get our attention. Most find it funny.

However, on the other hand, I find the stereotypical literate/advanced people on the neoboards often do that to assert themselves over other people -- it's not just coincedental that you feel that way, that's pretty much their purpose. They figure if they say that, people will be more cautious in correcting them. And while you wouldn't think so much of that carries over in real life -- people are much more confident on the internet, no doubt -- I know a girl that calls people 'darling' because of her massive ego, and she's just a year older than me... and I will usually have something to say when she does. I.e. "Why don't you get up to read, dear?" "Why don't you wait your turn, darling." in a maliciously sweet voice. Usually that works in getting her rustled enough to stop for a while. It's just plain rude to me because, while she says it like an aristocrat, she also attempts to carry herself like one and clearly it's gotten to her head. I also think that, depending on the teacher, this could be offensive, but most the teachers are careful about that because of all the charges brought on our school. <3

I find online petnames generally offensive based on how well you know the person. Honestly, if someone says 'dear' in a one on one advertisement I won't even bother going to their site. Even sometimes when it's a board with many people, and you can tell it's a group of like five friends and they casually call each other that, I won't go, simply because it's exclusive at that point like some sort of snobby clique at school.

Now, I see Japanese suffixes entirely different. :/ You probably already know this, but in Japan if you call someone by just their first name without their permission it's insulting. That's like calling someone by just their last name in America, I guess. You're only supposed to do that if you're like best friends or lovers, really. Even family tacks on -chan or -kun much of the time. None of these are really like 'sweetheart' or 'darling' because there isn't much of an equivalent. Modern teens have been trying to get in 'baby' (bebe) for some time, but '-tan' and '-chi' and other made-up suffixes usually replace it because they're still polite but they sound cuter and promote friendliness. It's an entirely different culture. TwT I wouldn't go about comparing it. I mean, if you wind up looking at Japanese words like 'ocha', for 'tea', the 'o-' is a formality. You put it there in order to be polite to the tea that you drink in nearly every meal for being there... sort of. Ahahaha. It sounds silly, but yeah... it's polite even in language roots. > w<;; I call one of my friends 'oniichan' irl and he doesn't mind, so long as I don't miss the 'o-' which is both polite and shows age even if I'm yelling it at him in annoyance.

So, ah, tl;dr: In my opinion, petnames can vary from purposely demeaning to amusing depending on intimacy and context. Yayyy bein obvs.

[Zelda]

I thought this looked familiar. xDDD

Personally, I kind of like petnames--from the right people, that is.

One of my best friends is the "older sister" type (which is ironic because she's younger than me xD) and she often calls the girls in our group "sweetie" and "honey." I like it when she uses petnames, maybe because I don't have an older sibling to dote on me (and my parents say my little brother is cuter and my dad likes to make fun of me...god I'm gonna turn out so screwed up ;u; ) and it's comforting.

Another friend and I tried to do the same, but it just felt weird and for my other friend, sort of creepy. We joke around and I call her "Terri-doll" and then she calls me "Emma-doll" but we don't normally address each other that way. (She usually just calls me by my last name, which a lot of people do, actually. xD)

As for strangers/older people you don't really know, it doesn't bother me so much either. It comes off as a bit weird if it's a man that calls me "sweetie" but it's also kind of flattering, in a way. xD From teachers, it's not as big of a deal, for strangers (like waiters/check out people) it's okay, I guess it depends on the specific situation. ><;

I do agree that petnames can be demeaning as well. When people do it online to be haughty and make the other person feel stupid, it pisses me off (I don't think it's really happened to me yet, though). I also don't really like it when people in my grade that I don't know as well do that, especially if it's a girl. >>

As for Japanese suffixes, I don't really use them online. x: I think they're cute and I love being called "Zee-tan" by Sarah, but it's not my thing to use them on others.

In short, I really don't care what you call me. xD And I didn't write half as much as you guys. TnT Maybe I'll edit it sometime. xD

[Spaz]

Reviving an old topic but I thought I might as well voice my opinion.

In all honest, I don't mind pet names from my other half, family or very close friends. Some creep on the street or a well intended teacher calls me sweetie and I will automatically gain a frown on my face. I find it to be too personal of an action to do and should be saved for closer peers. Perhaps I think that because I have a tendency to have more or less clear lines between personal and social life.

Even on the internet, amongst the role playing boards, it angers me if someone calls me sweetie, though it isn't totally for the same reason as in RL. On the internet, I think I bear insult on the fact they may be referring to me like that because they think I'm younger, if not physically than mentally. Of course, as Zelda brought up, such things as Japanese suffixes that are used on TML amongst us doesn't bother me. :)

On the other hand, my other half does not call me 'baby' or anything of that sort because he sees it to be disrespectful and even demeaning to refer to me like that. In all honestly I wouldn't mind if he did, but I find his point of view interesting and flattering.