Post by Suki.hime on Jan 12, 2011 1:29:12 GMT -5
Her voice trills
Like a school girl
Liberated.
The effulgent light
Emulates her every meticulous step
With such mirth.
That cavalier taciturn…
The way she makes the air
Dance simultaneously with her thus
Captivates me.
But that’s all over now.
I crush her,
Dispelling the light, I
Pilfer her soul, and
Enclose her in the scathing ice of my overflowing desire.
I shove my bitten thumbnail into the soft skin of her throat
Atop the splintered floorboards
Where she lies trembling, pulse racing
And stare, rejoicing at the
Incessant shrieking,
The fleeting vacillation
That makes me feel
Human.
Like the stories my mother once told me:
Deferential, the paltry girl grovels to the reprobate
And when I, the reprobate, scoff at her,
She will smile weakly
With a deferential undertone
So saccharine.
Underneath the splintered floorboards
She dies.
I am in love.
Afterword:
• This is written in one of my more... uhmmm, strange characters' point of view, for an English class I was in last year. I technically didn't have a rough draft because it was entirely different than what my final came to be. I also didn't tell him about the character whose eyes I wrote it in -- Liam. So I'm asking for revision.
Some things to note (I will take this down if I ever write a character map for him.):
• Liam is a human that lives with a vampire and has spent nine years of his life reading and listening to said vampire, of whom has a complicated vocabulary. He does little else.
• I know taciturn is an adjective... I meant it to be like an unfinished name, but it seems off. Should I add a comma and just make it normal?
• He's incredibly socially awkward to the point of getting flustered and spiteful when it comes to talking to strangers. However, his voice is very soft, and he considers himself relatively sane -- thus no exclamation points.
• This is a final draft. My teacher is very, very to the point so I took out a lot of imagery and vague metaphors for my grade to be better. For example, it was originally titled 'The Eccentric'. He said it was too vague, which was my intention; for Liam to write it to refer to Anne, the girl, even though his eccentricity is much more evident here... > 3>;; So please suggest things to me that are like that… I’d just rather not get ‘do you even know what imagery is?’.Not that Suki's bitter or anything.
• Overflowing desire sounds really stupid. Please help me change it.
• I'm thinking of making the last line be in quotes. Yes/No?
• This is probably all a fiction of his. He’s not really physically capable of doing anything like that. He’s around twenty but he’s also around 160cm / 5’2” and skinny as a rail. He looks like a preteen boy. Anne is taller and weighs more. It’s meant to be read as a love poem that he wrote, envying the vampire’s life in a way. o 3o;;
• What I want to be seen: He’s more fascinated with addiction and attraction than Anne herself. He’s overdramatic, selfish, and naïve. The tone from stanza to stanza is broken. The ending makes him seem to lack an attention span and doesn’t really ‘work’. His mother’s influential in his life. He has a stutter and an odd breathing pattern. The poem is about Liam’s inability to communicate through anything other than physical raw emotion – it frustrates him to the point of desiring a full exemplification of that entity, and the immolation of his true love. Does even a bit of that come across?
•I write better now so I might just rewrite it orz.
Yay, Suki’s done ranting now~ >w<;;
Like a school girl
Liberated.
The effulgent light
Emulates her every meticulous step
With such mirth.
That cavalier taciturn…
The way she makes the air
Dance simultaneously with her thus
Captivates me.
But that’s all over now.
I crush her,
Dispelling the light, I
Pilfer her soul, and
Enclose her in the scathing ice of my overflowing desire.
I shove my bitten thumbnail into the soft skin of her throat
Atop the splintered floorboards
Where she lies trembling, pulse racing
And stare, rejoicing at the
Incessant shrieking,
The fleeting vacillation
That makes me feel
Human.
Like the stories my mother once told me:
Deferential, the paltry girl grovels to the reprobate
And when I, the reprobate, scoff at her,
She will smile weakly
With a deferential undertone
So saccharine.
Underneath the splintered floorboards
She dies.
I am in love.
Afterword:
• This is written in one of my more... uhmmm, strange characters' point of view, for an English class I was in last year. I technically didn't have a rough draft because it was entirely different than what my final came to be. I also didn't tell him about the character whose eyes I wrote it in -- Liam. So I'm asking for revision.
Some things to note (I will take this down if I ever write a character map for him.):
• Liam is a human that lives with a vampire and has spent nine years of his life reading and listening to said vampire, of whom has a complicated vocabulary. He does little else.
• I know taciturn is an adjective... I meant it to be like an unfinished name, but it seems off. Should I add a comma and just make it normal?
• He's incredibly socially awkward to the point of getting flustered and spiteful when it comes to talking to strangers. However, his voice is very soft, and he considers himself relatively sane -- thus no exclamation points.
• This is a final draft. My teacher is very, very to the point so I took out a lot of imagery and vague metaphors for my grade to be better. For example, it was originally titled 'The Eccentric'. He said it was too vague, which was my intention; for Liam to write it to refer to Anne, the girl, even though his eccentricity is much more evident here... > 3>;; So please suggest things to me that are like that… I’d just rather not get ‘do you even know what imagery is?’.
• Overflowing desire sounds really stupid. Please help me change it.
• I'm thinking of making the last line be in quotes. Yes/No?
• This is probably all a fiction of his. He’s not really physically capable of doing anything like that. He’s around twenty but he’s also around 160cm / 5’2” and skinny as a rail. He looks like a preteen boy. Anne is taller and weighs more. It’s meant to be read as a love poem that he wrote, envying the vampire’s life in a way. o 3o;;
• What I want to be seen: He’s more fascinated with addiction and attraction than Anne herself. He’s overdramatic, selfish, and naïve. The tone from stanza to stanza is broken. The ending makes him seem to lack an attention span and doesn’t really ‘work’. His mother’s influential in his life. He has a stutter and an odd breathing pattern. The poem is about Liam’s inability to communicate through anything other than physical raw emotion – it frustrates him to the point of desiring a full exemplification of that entity, and the immolation of his true love. Does even a bit of that come across?
•
Yay, Suki’s done ranting now~ >w<;;
